Today, I cried behind a changing curtain in public. Why? Because things didn't go very well in swim class.
But wait, before you judge me as one of those Tiger moms that can't accept less than 100% from their children, hear me out.
AJ's been in swim class for 4 weeks now, and let me tell ya, he hates it. After the first time, I was determined to make sure he was fed before class. Things didn't improve. After the second time, I was determined to make sure that he had a good nap. Things didn't improve. The third time was the best. He only cried for a little bit. After the four time, I figured that his teething problems were keeping him unhappy. It'd be better the next time.
Well, guess what? It's not better. He still hates swimming. He cried all 25 minutes we were there. The head instructor had a little "talk" with us afterwards and helped me realize that I wasn't holding him right, and that was a cause for his anxiety. And I was waiting too long to release him into the water..and that causes anxiety. And I wasn't helping him any by coddling/holding him close every time he cries, because that's depriving him from interaction and learning with his friends...and that causes anxiety.
I felt warm tears streaking down my face later when I was all alone...not because I wasn't proud of my son (I'm NEVER less than 100% proud of him). I was both disappointed and confused in myself. I've been trying so hard since he was born to "trust my instincts." When my child cries, my instinct is to comfort him - hold him, cuddle with him, make it right again. Now, I'm hearing that my instincts are now wrong. How can that be? What does that mean about me, as a parent?
Later at home, the tears haven't dried. This is the first time since my "breastfeeding troubles" days I've cried like this. My husband notices, and gives me a big bear hug, and we run through the plan that the instructor suggests. Then it hits me - what I haven't been able to put together all morning. I'm not his swim instructor. I'm his mom. If I knew how to teach him to swim, I wouldn't have to pay 78 dollars a month enrolling him in a baby swim class. I need to NOT be so hard on myself.
When I think about it, I'm not disappointing anything. While my instincts tell me to save and cuddle and hold him tight when he cries, listening to my instincts are not a bad thing. Instincts are there for a reason. For times when you DO need to jump in a save him. That's just something parents do, no questions. Being a parent is something I've instinctually learned. Parenting my child, however is something different. Parenting is letting your child learn, and fostering a supportive and safe learning environment. Parenting, is learning not to do it all for him.
Parenting, is something I'm still learning.
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