Parenting with Number 2

Life with a newborn can be dark. Not like literally dark.  Unless you're really holed up in your house cause you're terrified of leaving the home unprepared for fear of some sort of newborn disaster.  (SPOILER ALERT, it gets even harder the older they are, so you might as well try now!)

I digress.  Parenting can be dark sometimes.  Why?  Because there are a lot of times that are difficult as HECK. There's a lot of people who will give advice about leaning in, or really stopping and smelling the roses.  Or truly appreciating the small things in life.  Or whatever. Like saying those things are going to help me feel better in the moment about the toughest spots of parenting.

That's just not...me.

Humor.  That's what makes parenting tolerable for me.  A sense of humor.  With that, I give you parenting with two anecdote #1.

I've been terrified since like...day 1 of 2.0's pregnancy about the thought of handling two kids around nap time.  I still haven't, technically, handled nap time alone yet (M doesn't go back to work for another 3 days). So, why am I so terrified?  Because AJ still naps with me.  Yes, that's right.  Naps WITH me, as in, he needs to cling on to a part of my body (with preference for both of my hands on him somewhere) before he will go down for his nap. There's rules.  If he wakes up and I'm not there, blood murder ensues.  If he wakes up and I'm there, he will immediately progress to a medium-sized tantrum, but will be consolable (it just takes about 3 minutes to de-escalate from ear-piercing scream back down to golden slumber).  If done right now, AJ's nap time yields plentiful rewards - 3 hours of caregiver free time (again, tethered to him somehow, but hey, I only need 1 hand to operate my smartphone).

Now, with 2.0 in the mix I've had severe anxiety thinking about how to balance things.  M and I have ruled out trying to teach AJ to nap alone - the kid is 3 and attends daycare 3 days a week. NOT worth it trying something new (and risking screwing it up) when most 3 YO's drop nap time soon anyway.

So here's our elaborate algorithm on how to handle naptime with two.  Between hours 12-2PM, 2.0 will eventually need to breastfeed.  Whenever that is, I'll feed him, swaddle him, and put him down in the pack and play in our room.  Then I'll go downstairs to grab AJ and get him ready for nap in our bed (with me).  With any luck (as in, if AJ is sleepy enough), he's go down without too much trouble, and there'll be a golden window of overlap between the two where I *may* just get a 20 minute nap in (that's ALL I NEED, I PROMISE!).

Don't be so surprised now, this elaborate plan has been, for the most part, working well.  Til about 5 days ago, when both kiddos cried their heads off and no overlap existed.  Good thing hubby was still home from work - he swooped baby away and napped with him in another room, offering me a delicious one hour nap.

Anyway, the day after that, I was determined to MAKE IT WORK. New edit to the algorithm: if baby woke up in the middle of the nap period, I'd take him, and immediately a) feed him or b) hold him and get back in bed to sleep, to ensure nap time progresses peacefully.  This is exactly what I did on that day, except, one angry AJ also woke up during that time.  I had 2.0 wrapped up in my left arm while sleeping in the bottom right corner of the bed, so I scooted up and offered my right arm to AJ, to offer some comfort.  It was a super awkward position to sleep in, with about 1/3 of me dangling off the corner of the bed, but I bought myself peace, and I was proud of it.  Eventually, I drifted off to sleep with a delicious smile on my face.  I dreamed about something peaceful.  Peaceful sights.  Peaceful sounds.  Peaceful smells.  Wait.  That doesn't smell peaceful.  Smells familiar though...what does it smell like?  Undigested chicken bits? Why is it getting stronger?  I shot my eyes open and realized that the dog's butt was just a mere 2 inches away from my nose. DOG SHIT, that's what it smells like.  

The worse part was, I could neither move (both arms occupied) nor shoo the dog away (risking that both babies will wake up).  I couldn't even laugh about it cause that would wake them up too. So I silently laugh... and realize this.  THIS.  Is parenting, with number two.

Poop and prizes

Today is 2.0's actual due date.  Happy due date, baby!

I'm certain that my bathroom scale is not very accurate, but if its anywhere close to being even kind of accurate, then it's safe to say that this baby is growing like a weed.  He's weighing in around 9 lbs now (will be confirmed tomorrow at his pediatrician's visit).

So, his due date was today, but since he was born 3 weeks early, that makes him actually 3 weeks old tomorrow.  If you can recall, 3 weeks is right around the time when the horrible gas stuff started happening with AJ. Can you guess what 2.0 has started doing this week? I guess I make gassy babies, sigh.

Upon reviewing my last post about gas, I realized there was SO much I forgot about this topic!  here

Well, this time around things are a little bit different too. 2.0 has some constipation issues as well, which per every single internet search I've done with Dr. Google, indicates something is wrong (very rare amongst breastfed newborns).  Our pediatrician seems to think that this is due to being premature - perhaps a sphincter has not fully developed yet.  Whatever is causing it is resulting in hard formed poops instead of the usual newborn running stuff.  Yuck.  We'll get to see her tomorrow though to sort things out.  Best of luck to us.

In other news, I'm gonna take a moment to brag about myself for a bit, cause well, I'm damn proud of myself!  I passed my BCACP exam! About 10 months ago, I made a pact with 2 other pharmacist friends to start studying for our board certification credentials. For those who don't know, the BPS exams are intense 200-question comprehensive examinations that cover something like 30 categories of topics of various pharmacy practice areas. The earned credentials supposedly confer pharmacist specialist statuses - or at least tells folks that you were committed to studying for this crazy exam.  I agreed to study for it 2 months before I found out that I was pregnant with 2.0.  To me, now is the time to do this - or else, studying with TWO kids would be impossible.  So, we studied.  Independently during the week, and did practice test questions together on weekends.  I stole time away from naptimes to get the necessary work done. Many lectures were listened to via podcast in my car.  There were some late nights.  There were A LOT of days where I doubted myself and told myself that I couldn't do it, but my group kept me strong.  Then, things got impossibly tough - when my mom's cancer relapsed, when my pregnancy suddenly turned into a high risk pregnancy, when work got more complicated, when M's family needed our help... all these things happened and I thought that it was life's way of telling me that I should not be doing this.  But guess what? All these things happened AFTER I registered to take the exam, so I did it anyway.

And this week, all that hard work has paid off for those 5 letters.

B.C.A.C.P.

Sibling Distraction Series: STicKeRs

New series for this blog, how to keep a toddler/preschool sibling entertained with a n00b around.

Today, I bring you.... STICKERS!!!!

There's something magical about stickers that attracts all small hands... and people like me, too.  Before 2.0 was born, I stocked up on all kinds of sticker books, sticker projects, etc.

So why are stickers so awesome?  Well, for the most part, the mess is pretty minimal.  Peel 'em and stick 'em, and that's it.  Clean up is pretty much just tossing the backs into the garbage.  All in all, it's pretty independent activity (given that your child has the dexterity skills to peel off the backs).  It's great for teaching things- shapes, colors, animals, pretty much any sort of recognition skill and you can add in sharpening verbal skills too, if you play alongside your tot.

Here's some activities that we like doing with stickers:

1. Sticker activity books
Cost: 5-10 bucks, depending on quality
Independence: fully independent (if you don't care where in the books the stickers go)
What the baby was doing at this time:  breastfeeding

We've gone through several of these books already. Basically, they are activity books that have a generous selection of stickers for you to play with.  There's usually specific spots for the stickers, so it's almost like working a puzzle.  These guys are usually categorized by interest (cars! trucks! animals!) and age (2+, school age, etc).  They're also great for taking out to restaurants ;)

Bonus points if your activity book also has other activities: coloring, connect the dots, etc.

2. Craft kits
Cost: 5-10 bucks (pre-made kits), <5 bucks (DIY)
Independence: requires adults to at least help demonstrate skill
What the baby was doing at this time: taking a nap in the bassinet

This is another great busy tool.  A craft that comes in a box - not only does it keep the tot entertained, but there's a prize out of it!  The completed craft makes a good card or keepsake to give to a love one (think grandparents).  I'm personally a fan of the pre-made kits, because hot damn, I'm not interested in spending my free time cutting and preparing crafts for someone who routinely eats glue.

So there's all types of craft kits, but I love the ones where stickers take up the majority of the decorating. Again, no mess!  No cutting and no glueing, just peeling and sticking.

All kinds of companies make these - I bought this particular "summer camp" set at Michaels, with a coupon and a store promotion, no less.

The only thing I'd caution against, is getting your expectations too grande for a project like this.  Remember - toddler and preschool art is very much about the process and not the product - expecting a crafty outcome out of a kit like this might frustrate a 3 YO and make it less fun.  For AJ, he enjoyed punch and peeling the stickers off of the sheet more than the actual fishy project made here - and I'm totally cool with that.

3. Sticker books
Cost: $1 - infinity, depending on quality
Independence: completely independent (my 3 YO)
What the baby was doing at this time: on the ground, tummy time.

AJ loves his little brother.  Sometimes a little too much.  He's always wanting to hug and love on him...but sometime, it's just a little too much.  I save things like sticker books for him to play with when I desperately need to distract him and keep him away from say...jumping on his little brother.  Sometimes, you just need a little bit of wind-down time, you know?

Enter sticker books.  Your imagination is the limit here.  I buy lots of different kinds of sticker books with different themes.  What I've learned is that quality is important.  I have a kid who is a rule-follower, so I'm not as concerned about him sticking stickers in inappropriate places, but I'd imagine that no parents want to deal with nasty sticker residue.  For this reason, I really like the Melissa and Doug re-usable stickers.  Bonus points go to having a play pad for them to place the stickers (they are like "scenes" you can use for pretend play).

Image: melissaanddoug.com

4. Textured stickers and card making
Cost: DIY from our "stash" so $1 - infinity
Independence: completely independent (my 3 YO)
What the baby was doing at this time: anything, really.

Three truths in our household:
1. AJ attends A LOT of birthday parties
2. I hate buying greeting cards - it takes a while to shop to find a good one, they are RIDICULOUSLY expensive, and I think that we can make better hand-made ones
3. AJ loves stickers.

I call that a recipe for the perfect distraction project (or child labor mill, depending on how you look at it).

It's pretty easy actually - I buy blank cards when they're on sale at Michaels or JoAnn's (remember to bring those coupons!).  I also stock up on cutesie scrapbooking stickers.  I usually check out the clearance sections - good prices but still really cute stuff!  For this type of project, I do usually try to buy some really cute, textured stickers, cause you know - they're fun!  I also buy some "staple" stickers too. To ensure that the stickers don't rip in the process of little hands peeling them, I usually go for the foam stickers.    To mix things up a bit, I usually also bring out some self-stampers for AJ to experiment with.

There's no rules on how we make handmade greeting cards, so I usually just lay all the materials out on our kitchen table, and let AJ have at it.  He absolutely adores making birthday cards (cause he also gets to pick out one fancy cupcake sticker as the piece de resistance).

Thanks for reading up on our sticking adventures!  Hope you enjoyed this Sibling Distraction Series!

On the mend

Today is the first day that breastfeeding has felt...well, normal.

For 3 days now, I've been using this little witch hat.

Why yes, that is a nipple shield.

Since using it, my right one has finally gotten time to heal.  It was like a sigh of relief.  After a full day of using it, my left one got jealous too, and wanted to use it.  OK, in reality, the sores and cracks probably never healed fully, and decided to come back with a vengeance. At any rate, it felt like they were on FIRE.

Suddenly, at 3:12 AM on Wednesday morning, I had a moment of clarity.  Who the FUCK cares if I start using the nipple shield on the left side too?  I'm already using it on the right side.  Using it to let my chewed up nips take a break is not going to ruin my boy's chances of having a healthy childhood.  So I DID IT.  I used the friggin' shield on my left side as well and gave in. Sweet mother of God, this was what I'd been waiting for - breastfeeding that DOESN'T feel like a school of piranhas are feasting off my girls.

This morning, I woke up not yearning for my ibuprofen like I was a drug addict waiting for the sweet nectar of his next heroin fix. This is HUGE improvement! All morning, I started actually noticing that 2.0 was starting to bat the shield off with his hands.  He was starting to show other signs of frustration - like taking the shield in his mouth, then refusing to suck.  Or spitting it out, despite a perfect latch and lots of milk available.  In a fit of frustration myself, I pulled the dang thing off and fed him.  And lo and behold, IT DIDN'T HURT!  And he ate and ate and ate until finally, he fell fast asleep.

We're back to breastfeeding without the nipple shield now. Yay!  I am sure thankful for whoever invented those silly little witch hats.

Diagnosis: mastitis

The last four days or so have been a non-stop blur of intense pain.  I've been taking ibuprofen around the clock, and when that wasn't enough, started giving myself acetaminophen as well on an opposing schedule.  But I tell you, not very much was touching the pain.

Why was I in pain, you ask?  Well, let's just say that those initial days of shallow latching, and the continued poor latching (despite continuing to work on it), has caused painful and large cracks, specifically on my R breast.  I began to dread the nursing hour, and when I did get 2.0 to latch appropriate, there was still about 30 seconds worth of lip-biting pain and sensitivity.  On top of this, my nipples have developed a hypersensitivity to touch and cold - yes that means that even coming out of the shower feels like scissors are cutting away at the nips.

Then yesterday, this was all brought to a whole new level.  Around 9 PM, I started full-body aching, as if I was stricken suddenly with the flu.  This proceeded to full-body chills, which only resolved itself after an hour of being curled in fetal position inside 2 blankets (and 600 mg of ibuprofen).  That happened again at 3 AM when I woke to feed 2.0 - I ended up feeding him with a fleece robe on and a fleece blanket over my body.  SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

This morning, I woke up and knew I had to do something.  I'm not unfamiliar with symptoms of mastitis - I guess I was just hoping it'd go away on its own.  Stupid. 

I placed 2 calls - one to the OB advice team for the mastitis symptoms (they agreed with the diagnosis, and set me up on clindamycin for 10 days) and one to the lactation consult about what to do about the painful latching problem.  I was bracing for a lecture - sometimes I feel like people who are lactation consultants never ever ever recommend anything but continued breastfeeding, even if it meant completely ignoring mom's needs.  I was pleasantly surprised by Kim, the LC I spoke to today.  She listened to me and showed a great deal of empathy.  She told me that first and foremost, we needed to fix the mastitis issue.  In order to do that, we needed to get the milk out of that breast efficiently - if this meant using a nipple shield, so be it.  If this meant pumping and bottle-feeding, so be it.  She also gave me a myriad of tips, including applying a warm washcloth on the breast before feeding, football hold to improve latching if needed, and even how to use the nipple shield with the best results.  

I immediately sent M out to get the nipple shield and fill my clindamycin.  I already feel better, with the nipple shield.  Let's hope the clinda, more rest, ibuprofen, better latch, and nipple shield all work together to make me feel better.

Here's to a better breastfeeding day tomorrow!

Already cut the tags off, can't return him no more!

Separation anxiety

We wanted everything to stay as stable as possible for AJ when 2.0 arrived. So even though it doesn't make a ton of financial sense, we decided to keep AJ in daycare, per his usual schedule.  The idea was, 2 days a week when baby arrives (his usual schedule), then graduating up to 3 days a week when daddy returns to work in 4 weeks, then finally transitioning up to 4 days a week when I go back to work at the end of 16 weeks.  All in the name of making the transition easier for big brother.

I never thought sending him off to daycare would be this hard...for me.

This morning, he cried and cried.  He gave me four "big high fives," two on each hand.  He gave me a million kisses.  He hugged me tons.  He begged his dad not to take him away.  He made me watch him get into the car.

And right before his door closed, he said "mama, don't play with my trains til I'm home OK?"

That's when I lost it.  Heck I'm losing it right now writing this post.  My sweet sweet boy, after a whole year of going to daycare, today was the hardest day saying "bye bye" to you.

My super silly 3 year old AJ

Breastfeeding shouldn't be a bitch.

Breastfeeding.  Sigh.

Last time we did this, breastfeeding was probably my biggest source of anxiety.  I cannot tell you how many times I was reduced down to tears after unsuccessful sessions, deep breast pain, and unspeakable injuries to my nips.  It was one of those things that I should have talked about more with others - not just write about on this blog, but actually talk out with real people. Because what I learned, over the last three years, is that breastfeeding is HARD now because we don't have a village.

Think about it.  We learn to do a lot of womanly things because of our "village."  We learn to braid hair from our "village."  We learn about our periods from our "village."  We learn how to push a baby out from instructions that the "village" gives us (OK OK, from our labor and delivery village). So why in the world can one expect a new mother to know instinctively how to breastfeed correctly and efficiently, especially if she herself has never witnessed breastfeeding herself?  When I thought about this yesterday, my mind just about blew up.

Anyway, this time around I'm not afraid of asking for help.  Not just internet help.  HELP.
My fave resources:
-Lactation consultant. They are there for a reason, let them do their job!  Called once and saw her once already, and 2.0's only 6 days old.
-My husband (because 2 extra hands is exactly what I need sometimes to get the F'in proper latch)
-My mommy friends.  Because TMI is not a thing between us.

Today, I'm going to talk about the one root cause of all my issues - from this breastfeeding adventure to the previous one.  The LATCH.

Almost all problems with breastfeeding originate from poor latching technique.  Again, I'm not saying there aren't real physiological concerns that contribute also (for example, AJ also had a milk tongue-tie issue).  However, much of issues related to pain have to do with poor latch.  Just think about it. Visualize what you think a latch should look like.  Are you thinking about one of those formula commercials where baby is sucking away at a bottle with his mouth centered around the nipple?  If that doesn't make sense, think then about how babies suck on binkies. Again, how is the baby's lips positioned? Centered over the nipple right?

Well guess what, THAT there is what is wrong.  When babies naturally nurse on the boob, their mouths are not meant to be centered on the nipple.  In fact, doing so would result in what I like to call a nipple sandwich (translation: squished nipple which, if you've never felt before, feels like a knife is sheering away at your flesh).  Why exactly do we think latching should be centered?  Again, how many of us ladies grew up watching babies being breastfed?  Now how many of us have fed a baby with a bottle before? Mmmm hmm.

Anyways, what you want to get, to avoid the nasty knife-like pain, is a DEEP latch.  Do this with me.  Run the tip of your tongue along the top of the inside of your mouth.  What are you feeling? The hard palate.  It should feel bony and hard (chuckle).  Now run your tongue further back - at some point, the hard palate transitions to a soft palate structure.  Now pretend you are a nipple with a ton of nerve endings.  Would you rather be squished between the hard palate and the tongue?  Or in contact with the soft palate instead?  Yeah, that's what I thought.

Tid bits I've learned to help achieve the DEEP latch:

1. If using the cross-cradle feeding position, position baby so that his ears, shoulder, and hip all align into a straight line.  As big people, we drink our fluids with our ears, shoulders, and hips all in a straight line.  Babies are just mini versions of adults, so this rule applies to them as well.

2. NEVER push the breast into the baby's mouth. ALWAYS bring the baby's mouth to the breast instead.  Whenever something enters your mouth, the reaction is going to be biting down.  OUCH.  When you push the baby's mouth to your breast instead, there's a much higher chance that the baby's mouth with close AFTER the nipple has reached the correct depth.

3. Align the nipple with baby's nose.  This will feel much higher than needed, but bear with me.  The reason this is needed is so that the rest of the nipple can tickle or stimulate baby's chin area.  Doing this somehow creates a reflex for baby to open his mouth wide.  Once the mouth is wide, hug baby close to bring the mouth over the nipple. The nipple instead should be pointed towards the roof of the mouth to get a deep latch.

4. How to get a good assessment of latch technique.  Well, the first thing to assess is pain.  Is it painful or is it not?  Some stinging upon latching is OK - especially if you have an old injury, but this should go away in like 30 seconds or less.  Any sort of pinching pain is an indicator that something's wrong. Finally, when you pull away from the latch, look at the shape of the nipple - if it looks squished, in one direction or another, with a line down the middle, the latch is no good.


Happy latching!

It's a BOY!

Introducing 2.0, AJ's little brother, born 6/3/16 at 1:46 am at 37 weeks.  6 pounds 5 ounces and 19 inches long.  Hi baby!!!

Looking back, this labor was a whirlwind. What they say about second babies is absolutely true (in my case anyway).  Originally, I was really worried about induction of labor at 37 weeks (is it too early to be successful?), but as it turns out, there really wasn't anything to be too worried about.

Rewind.

6/2/16.

6 AM:  I get a phone call from the L&D triage nurse.  I'm due to come in at 8 AM for my scheduled induction.  Turns out, too many other babies decided to arrive on 6/2.  They tell me that they'll call me at 11 to figure things out.  Click.  I was pretty darned disappointed. Another 4 hours of waiting. More like 4 hours to kill. 4 more hours of anxiety and panic over how this 37 week induction would pan out.

9 AM: I'm getting really antsty - did they say they'd call me BY 11 or AT 11???? I can't remember, and it's freaking me out.  We decide to go play in the park with AJ instead. 

11 AM:  Mid-morning nap.  I'm exhausted from the anxiety.  The phone rings and I almost fall off the couch.  They apologize for the delay and ask me to come in a 12 noon.  YESSSSSS finally!

12 PM:  I'm admitted and start the paperwork.  I'm introduced to the care team, and told that they won't be checking me out til around 1 or 2 PM.  Sounds good.  M brings out the Surface and we enjoy a few episodes of Friends.

2 PM:  I meet the dayshift midwife who checks me out.  She thinks the baby is going to be 8 pounds (holy F*** at 37 weeks?!?!).  I'm 1.5 cm dilated still and 70% effaced (absolutely no change since 35+5).  Misoprostol protocol it is.  I remember my heart sinking a bit.  It's probably gonna be another long while before I meet this little guy/girl.

6 PM: I meet the night shift OB team - a very soft spoke attending, a flamboyantly optimistic resident, and a very crunchy looking chief midwife.  The midwife thinks the baby will be a 6 pounder, MAYBE even a little bit under 6 lbs (OMG I HOPE SHE IS RIGHT).  The resident checks the cervix.  4-5 cm dilated!!!!!  Wait, what?  I barely felt contractions over the last 4 hours.  The plan?  moving on to Pitocin to induce contractions now.  I ask frankly about the epidural...since I wasn't having any pain yet.  At 4 cm dilated with AJ, I was hyperventilating from the terrible terrible terrible pain.  Resident notes that I might want to consider it sooner than later.  When they break my bag of waters, things will progress very quickly - and I may not have time for the epidural.  Second babies come a lot quicker, I guess. There was still time to decide though.

8 PM: Pitocin starts.  6 cm dilated. Within an hour or so, I feel the contractions.  They are real contractions.  Not the wimpy ones I've been feeling for a few weeks.  Still not painful though, and breathing is working.

10:45 PM:  Checked out by the resident again.  7.5 cm dilated.  I'm still not getting the crazy contractions just yet - maybe I can wait it out?

11:30 PM: Yeah these pesky contractions are still kinnnnnda doable.  But thinking about the prospect of pushing a baby out of my va-jay-jay without any meds does NOT appeal to me.  We summon the anesthetist and within 15 minutes, the good stuff is flowing through my epidural space.  GOOD STUFF.

6/3/16

12:30 AM:  Me to M:  HEY!  We should totally watch that labor episode of Friends!

1 AM: resident comes back to check on things.  He's asking if I've felt the urge to push yet.  Nope.  It's gonna happen soon though. Soon. I'm suddenly hit with a bout of the shakes. Literally, my whole body is shaking.  I've heard about this before.  The labor shakes.  I keep fighting it, but the nurse tells me not to - otherwise I'd feel it tomorrow.

1:30 AM: Suddenly out of nowhere, I throw up.  WHAT THE HECK???  Then, suddenly, I felt the urge to push.  OH MY GOD I CAN'T STOP IT!  The MD resident confirms, I'm 10 cm dilated and ready to push. 

There were only 4 pushes, and out he came at 1:46 AM.  

The eve

We're at T minus 11 hours now before admission for the induction.

My brain said we're ready.  My uterus agrees.  My heart? 

I'm sitting here on the couch downstairs, creepily staring at my son through the security cam. He's being a 3 year old and wrapping this blanket around over his head, thinking I'm not watching.  Or maybe he's doing that because he knows I AM watching.  But I'm not even mad. All I can think about is the story I just read him before I tucked him off to bed - I'm a Big Brother Now.   

I'm thinking about how 2 hours ago, he plopped on the couch next to me, and slowly ran his little hand over the right side of my belly - the side that usually jumps when that small familiar hand makes contact.  I'm thinking about how he told me that tomorrow, I'm going to the hospital because baby wants to "wake up."

I'm recalling how yesterday evening, Grandma asked him if he thought the baby was a boy or girl, and he picked the little pink piece of paper without hesitation and deposited it in the "girl" bet jar.

I'm remembering how 4 days ago, this kiddo pulled up a blanket on himself, then told me he wanted baby to have the blanket too, and gently pulled a big plush corner over the fullest part of my belly.

I'm thinking back to 6 months ago, when I told him that he was going to be a big brother, and that there was a baby growing in my belly.  He was wearing a red shirt covered in big bold letters "Big Brother" in Chinese.  He was skeptical and asked me if he could "see it."  I showed him my belly and he was not sure if he believed me.  I took a mental photograph of that moment.  

I'm remembering later the next day, when he went over to visit my parents, who both went a full hour without noticing that AJ's shirt said "Big Brother."  And when they did, only made the connection that someday, yes, he'd be a big brother. They found out minutes later that yes, he will be a big brother very soon!  I remember getting my mom's call later the next day, apologizing for the delayed reaction - that she got so excited she couldn't sleep that night.

I'm thinking about that card I made M on the night the line turned blue.  The card that said "oh, hi."  with the results inside.  He didn't notice for an entire hour that there was a stick with pee on it, sitting next to his keyboard.  I waited and waited patiently for him pick up the card to move it (I placed it at a 30 degree angle to his keyboard, so knew it would bother hims enough to have to at least straighten it).  I watched out of the corner of eye as he picked up the card, and the stick fell out...and he looked up at me..."REALLY?"

What a ride, 9 months of it.

And soon, we'll be a family of four.

My heart is full with anticipation tonight.