Acceptance

(late post, originally composed 7/25/17)

The last few days has been some of the toughest in my adult life.

I can't even begin to describe to you, how sad it is to watching as my mom progresses, slowly but surely, towards her final days with us.

For a lot of reasons, I will myself to stay strong.

For my Dad. He's so tired.  He's so heart broken.  He wants to do everything and anything in his power to help her. And it's taken me, the hospice care team, a palliative care physician, our family, and finally her Pastor to convince him that none of this is his fault - that despite his best efforts, this is the progressive nature of her condition.

For my children.  My 4 year old knows very well that his Popo has been sick.  I think that he even knows that somehow, her illness will eventually lead to death.  He's seen me cry. He's seen me pray.  I need him to know that even though I'm completely heartbroken, I will find a way for us to be OK someday.

For my husband.  This past week has undoubtedly been one of the more difficult on our marriage, at least from my perspective.  On top of my mom being so ill, my in laws have been out of town, so this is the first time that we've truly experienced parenting without family help. I need him to know that despite everything that is happening, and all of the time I'm devoting to my mom, I'm still there.  I'm still me. Still the girl he met 17 years ago who wholeheartedly believes in goodness and hope.

For my Mom.  She's been through SO much.  She needs to know that I'll find a way to cope with this. Because she's taken care of me all my life, and I need to show her that I'm not something she needs to worry about anymore.

For me.  Someday, I'll be able to look back and and perhaps not understand why the Lord has tasked me to grow up from this, but simply accept that it was his plan.  Today, I'm just going to do it and know that it's what I need to do.