Choosing joy over blue

The days are quiet now, when I visit my mom.  She spends a lot of time sleeping and resting, her eyes fluttering in restlessness.  Guilt hits me hard when I see her in her sleep.  Something primal and childish in me conjures wishes to shake her awake and embrace her like I used to when I was a child. But I know better than that.  No, the fear in me knows better than that.  The fear that governs much of what I say, do, and think nowadays.  

The fear is real. It might as well be a beast with 3 heads, surly claws, and sharp teeth.  It invades my thoughts often, and it lurks around to awaken me from my dreams at night. 

But sometimes, momentarily, I can will it away.  When I chose joy. 

There are glimpses and rays of brightness when I do think of my mom.  

A couple of weeks ago, my cousins from Chicago came to pay her a visit.  I can't even remember how the topic arose, but he hadn't realized that my mom stayed in New York before she moved to Oregon.  I told him my very favorite story of hers from her adventurous NY days. 

One day, she got on the subway.  It was a good day. She'd just got off of school (work?) and had an appetite for blue crab.  She got a basket of them from some place in Chinatown.  It was a great deal.  She was proud of herself for wrangling those creatures into the basket.  And the deal, forget about it - it was great.  Now the subway ride from Chinatown to Queens is not exactly a short one.  She quickly found herself a seat, and after only a few moments of reviewing the day's events, decided to close her eyes for a few moments of rest.  She wasn't even halfway home when she woke up.  Rubbing her eyes slowly, she made out the sights of a person exiting the train car only to reboard the next train car.  Something wasn't right. Turning around, she quickly realized that she remained the only person on the train.  At rush hour. 

Then her heart sank as she looked at the basket at her feet.

Empty.  

Without pause, she gazed onto the ground of the Subway car, and sure enough - the basket of blue crabs had made their escape.  

She went into a panic. What was she supposed to do?  Collect the crabs? How? THERE WERE SO MANY!!!!! SO MANNNNYYYYY!!

So she did what any good young rider would do.

Exited the subway and left that shit alone.  

She did still have a blue crab craving though.  So she went and rode the Subway back to Chinatown.  And got some more blue crab.

------

Still one of my favorite stories of all time.