AJ is 10 months and 3 weeks now. That means he's 4 months and 3 weeks beyond my initial goal of exclusively breastfeeding him. Don't get me wrong, I'm super proud of even making it this far, but seriously, there's only like 5 weeks until he turns 1 and now my milk supply is seriously taking a hit.
Like, I hit the letdown button and cycled through 6 x 2 minute letdown stimulation cycles this morning....to ultimately pump out a measly 2 ounces (maybe even 1.75 if I looked at it real closely). Today, I struggled at pumping a total of 3 ounces during my 8 hour shift. I night-pump EVERY night now, just to stay afloat. And by staying afloat, I mean taking 1-2 4 ounce bags out of the freezer stash every day to make ends meet. Oh, and I often cheat. Instead of keeping real 4 ounce bottles in the fridge, I often pour some 3.5 ouncers and just don't tell AJ's caretakers about the reduced amount. Why? To make things last so I can avoid having to supplement with formula.
And now that it's suddenly obvious to me that we're unlikely going to make it to the one year mark...I feel like I'm failing...
It doesn't even make sense. I tell my mom friends ALL. THE. TIME. that it's OK if they're not making enough milk. Formula is just as good. I myself was formula-supplemented from 5 weeks on. My husband was exclusively formula fed. I know LOTS of babies who are formula fed who are absolutely thriving. Plus, the reality is, at one year of age, I'm making the switch anyway to cow's milk. How is it that I can't wrap my mind around formula use for even a little bit? WHY SO MUCH MOM GUILT?
BECAUSE OF LIES THEY TELL YOU.
I've heard this one over and over and I'm sick of feeling like some sort of failure. "A baby can absolutely be maintained on breast milk alone throughout the first year of life." There might be some science behind this, with the supply-demand mechanism, but the REALITY is, I would need to continuously be breastfeeding your baby more than 6 times a day (I'm told 8 is optimal, 7 is minimum, 6 is devastating to milk supply). The only way I can do that is if I quit my job.
What's my point? I realized how stupid it was to lose sleep over some worthless opinion that some lactation "experts" who have no idea what's important to my family, my child, or I came up with. Feeling stupid and guilty completely discredits the many of millions of mamas who stand strong in doing the right thing - FEEDING THEIR BABIES and not getting obsessed with this breast is best shit.
Forget Kelly Mom. Forget the La Leche League. Forget Baby Center and all the crunchy judgy bitches. I'm celebrating the fact that I'm feeding my baby.
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