30 minutes of my time

Today did not get better.  Not. one. bit.

It started out rocky anyway.  AJ woke up an hour earlier than I expected.  I'm not going to say why I think he woke up early.  Because that lays blame on someone and I don't think that's productive.  

At any rate, in my experience, when he wakes up early, he starts out the day wrong.  When he starts out the day wrong, it's very hard to set him right.  Which leaves very little room for variation...or for other things to go wrong. 

I come home from work craving his smile.  You could say I live for this little boy's smile. Usually his smile is what gets me motivated enough to put aside how physically, mentally, emotionally tired I am from a full day of work.  It's usually enough to motivate me to wash dishes, cook dinner, do laundry, clean up, you know.  The stuff that moms do.  But today, he doesn't smile at me.  He's just...angry.

And then there's the dog.  She's already rang the damn bell 3 times to go outside even before I had the chance to take my shoes off.  Today is the second day in a row that I do not love my dog.  

Somehow between 6 AM this morning when I got up and now, sad thoughts have crept back into my head again.  About how I don't want to love the dog anymore.  About how tired I am.  About how much I miss my old life.  About how much I hate not having control of things.  About how little emotional reserve I have left to deal with...anything because that last bit of it was left mourning over the fact that the damn dog chewed up my favorite necklace.

So I had to say something to my husband.

"I can't do this anymore.  I don't love the person I've become."

It's not something I was proud to say...but I've come to hate myself more and more over the last week.  I resent the fact that I think these things in my head now. I hate myself for hating the dog. I hate myself for being CAPABLE of hating the dog, who I used to treat as my firstborn.  I wonder with a lot of fear whether or not I am capable of thinking the same thoughts about AJ if we were to have a second baby.  I think maybe we shouldn't have a second child.  Ugggghhhh.

My husband offers maybe he should take the baby for 30 minutes a day and I can just go upstairs and do....whatever.  I sort of like the idea.  We're trying it out right now. 

 I've just spent 20 minutes of it typing this post.