Sigh.
I was told a while back that if you have two kids, the older one often regresses developmentally for a little bit after the new baby arrives. They do things like un-learning potty training, throwing extra temper tantrums, causing ruckus to get a share of the attention.
Never in a million years did I think I'd have to go through this now, as a first time mom.
I forgot I have a dog.
And that's probably the problem. I forgot that I have a dog. No, not literally. She's become...more of my roommate over the past 4 months. We live independent lives, but I'm still very much involved when it comes to meal planning and cleaning up after her. But the time spent cuddling, playing fetch, sleeping in on Saturdays...those have gone by the wayside. Or at least, they've been delegated to my husband.
It's not that I don't love her anymore (I think). It's that...I'm so overwhelmed and tired with things right now that I don't really have the emotional capacity to make it better. I know it sounds horrible, but it sort of...is what it is.
Over the past several weeks, Zoe has been peeing everywhere in the house. Which is extremely rare for her. She gets upset at everything we do (I break out a nail clipper to trim baby's nail and she runs upstairs. I blow raspberries on baby's belly and she runs upstairs. It's like she's traumatized by us). Today was the most upsetting. She's only ever chewed through 4 items of mine in her lifetime (and we routinely leave MANY toys, gadgets, snacks, shoes left all over the house all day). 2 pairs of apple headsets. 1 macbook charger. And now, my brand new nursing necklace.
Ah, my poor necklace. I bought this necklace last week from my friend's new online boutique. I love this freakin necklace to death. Why? Because I'm too fat to fit into decent clothes rendering clothes shopping pointless save for functionality. Because my hair is falling out like a friggin 60 year old balding man. Because I don't the time, energy, or desire to do anything fun right now. Because there are nights when I look into the mirror after the shower and start to wonder if my husband still loves a woman whose identity falls solely into 3 categories now - mother, wife, pharmacist. Because I'm not sure that I would.
I digress. Back to the necklace. It's perfect. It's smells great. It's my favorite color pattern (at the moment). It looks great. It's functional. Baby loves it. It matches my clothes. When I wear it, I don't feel like the icky woman I just described. I feel like me. The girl who used to care. The girl who did things out of love, not out of necessity. The girl who had a personality.
And now, the damn dog chewed through the necklace.
I know it's not a big deal, I know. My mother in law graciously helped me fix it. It's got an ugly knot in it now. A scar that reminds me of my ugly thoughts today.
I don't hate my dog, I really don't. I know I'll look at this post in a matter of months, maybe even days, and regret all the bad things I've said tonight.
But right now, right this minute, laying here on the carpet, baby sound asleep on the couch next to me, I feel.....sad....about me.
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